By in Other Therapies, Psychotherapy

The Thing About Mixed Feelings Is…

…That they are totally normal. Perhaps this is obvious to you, perhaps it is not, but for many of us, it feels difficult to have completely conflicting feelings about something. 

I felt this recently when making the decision to make changes at work. I felt liberation and excitement about moving forward but I also felt really sad about leaving something behind that meant a lot to me. 

We also often experience this kind of conflict when we feel anger towards a parent or child. We find it hard to truly feel the intensity of our anger because we also deeply love the other person and this makes us feel guilty and conflicted. 

In therapy, I find people often feel they have to explain themselves when they express that they feel love towards a close relative who did them wrong. Or we make a big change in our life and are equally excited and terrified. We often can not explain why we are terrified and think we should just be happy.

There is nothing wrong with feeling two conflicting emotions at the same time, it is normal and both conflicting feelings are equally valid. Just because we feel anger does not mean that we can not also feel love. Or just because we see something as an exciting opportunity does not mean that it is wrong to be equally terrified of pursuing it. It often is the judgement we have for our feelings that creates the inner conflict, not the opposing emotions themselves. 

It can be challenging to navigate such conflicting feelings though if a decision is due. Personally, I believe that balance (as so often) is the way forward. Rather than pushing one of these feelings down in order to make the cognitively “right” decision, it tends to be wise to pause and entertain the idea of validating and experiencing both feelings before then coming to a conclusion that may feel easier and that all our parts are on board with. 

Again it may sound kind of obvious but we do not tend to do this. We often have an idea in our head about what is right or wrong and how we should be feeling or how much easier it would be if we did not feel a certain way. Then we tend to force ourselves to push through or ignore at least one of these conflicting feelings if not all of them. 

How about this instead? Next time you feel conflicting emotions about something or someone, give yourself a little time and try this:

Pendulation Exercise: 

  • Sit down, use some calming regulation tools like orienting and grounding or get yourself a nice hot drink and a moment to just enjoy it.
  • Identify the conflicting emotions clearly, there may be more than two.
  • Explore each one individually: how and where do you sense this in your body? Sit with it a moment if you can. Notice any changes as you sit with it. Notice if your body wants to take an action like a facial expression, hand gesture, change of posture or if you feel the need to say something or make a sound. 
  • Pendulate: Now shift your awareness from one conflicting emotional state to another. You find your own pace and rhythm. 
  • Try not to judge what you are experiencing. All feelings and sensations and thoughts are valid.  
  • After a few rounds of this, stand up and move and look around a bit. Return to your chair or sofa and reconnect with the issue or person you have conflicting feelings about. Notice if you feel or see it a little differently. 

If you would like more support with this exercise, you can contact Kristin at The Body Matters on 01702 714968 .

Kristin Loeer
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